thehighshelf replied to your post: Let’s beat on the dead horse some more: re the feminist blogosphere

I was just trudging the stairs wondering of your relative quietude the past few weeks was a little bit about this (and if mine was). I tend to retreat if I think I might be engaging in something so cannibalistic. But I don’t think we should retreat.

Eh. I rarely speak about my trials and tribulations because I don’t think I am all that interesting, you know. But, I do write about women’s issues so this particular question you pose (re: my relative quiet time) is relevant.

I’ve been going through a mini personal crisis lately, yes. One of those “Look at your life, look at your choices” moments that sent me into a pit of self reflection. And the crisis hasn’t been exactly for the reasons one might suspect, but due to the choices I’ve made. All these talks about success and popularity reminded me of the chances I let go of. It is so much so that my partner has an ongoing joke to describe me: whenever I am invited somewhere (be it to give a talk, or meet people for projects, or job prospects), he always says “Be careful, they might offer you an opportunity that you will have to reject”. And he is damn right. I cannot in good conscious say that I have been denied access or opportunities. I have had more of them thrown at me than I can actually enumerate. And I have systematically walked away from anything that could potentially lead to success. On purpose, knowingly.

Because, here is my problem: I do not subscribe to the notion that success, as it is measured in our contemporary societies matters that much. And because I get bored easily and I AM lazy. I never wanted more than what I already have: a semi quiet life that affords me many privileges and luxuries without too much effort. I am quite introverted. Throughout the years I have learned to manage my introversion so that it is unnoticeable to everyone except from those who I am very close to. All these interactions demand an effort I am not always willing to make and compromises that make me question why I should make them.

And that takes me to the current mini crisis: I wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if I had been unfair by rejecting those opportunities. Because I am fully aware of how many women struggle to have access to a fraction of what was afforded to me. But I cannot help it that I am not an over achiever. But, of course, maybe I did owe it to all those other women to try harder, to make it, to prove that it is possible. And that’s where I stand now. All these discussions about feminist women blogging/ book deals/ conferences got me thinking mostly because of how many of them are fighting tooth and nail for recognition. A recognition I actively rejected and refused to pursue. And of course now that I am old(er) I wonder if I should have done different or if I should still try, at least to make up for all the times I said no.

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