I try to avoid anger. Like actively try. Mostly because of how it affects me and my health (usually it leads to a downward spiral towards anxiety, depression, more anxiety, etc.). It also affects my immediate relationships negatively (I get edgy towards my partner; avoid social contact with friends, etc.). So, for me, personally, anger does not lead to positive “stuff”.
This is, of course, very different from getting angry with someone who pushed their shopping cart over my knees at the supermarket. I am talking about anger at events I witness and write about. The stuff that makes my blog posts here and everywhere else. Lately I have become not just upset or disappointed but actively angry. For the most part, I am angry by lack of responses and reactions from people that are supposed to be leading. I see this silence interjected with racist expressions and “jokes” and I am overcome by a raging disappointment. And then this is quickly followed by something that is pretty much a pattern in my life: am I seeing “things” where there are none to be seen? I am making this up? Am I taking offense where there is none? Because yes, I do self doubt… a lot.
Last night, for the first time, I even pondered what until recently would have been unthinkable “What if I stopped blogging altogether? Because really, what difference does it make?”. I am not saying I am going to, but it is getting acute. And not fun. And the way I see it, pretty pointless. Mostly because, to me, the issues I rage about (the racism, the xenophobia, etc.) are not abstract ideas I get to “theorize” about. They are concrete, they have real effects in my life and in the lives of people I care about. However, I am also reaching the sad conclusion that words, or at least my words, will not have any impact in the world at large.
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