In the spirit of Good Friday, also known as the the day of the Crucifixion (or the start up moment of Christianity), what would happen if the events took place today?
Just a few thoughts:
- Fox News would be running a feature about those “brown people” in the Middle East, highlights would include remarks about how savage they are lynching one of their own
- Kanye would be arguing on Twitter, because you know he wouldn’t want to pass up the opportunity to start a religion in his name. He would probably ignore the fact that he would have to be, you know, actually nailed to a cross after much pain to reach such status. His twitter would probably read “Imma not gonna let you finish this one, JC”.
- Thousands of Tumblrs would change their avatar to say “Today we are all Jesus” and hundreds of thousands of posts would read “Reblog if you support the 12 Apostles”.
- Millions of Facebook status would read “I stand with Jesus” and “Free Jesus”, alternatively, calls to “change your Facebook photo to show your support for the Passion”.
- Malcom Gladwell would release his new book, just in time for the Resurrection, called “A Cross would never catch up as a proper religious symbol because it is not photogenic enough at social media sites”.
- On Monday, The Atlantic would publish a 6000+ words piece criticizing Gladwell’s book and asking “Did Twitter help raise him from the dead” (the answer would be “Inconclusive”).
- Jezebel would write a post about “Famous whores in new religions: Mary Magdalene”, by Sadie Stein and it would feature pastel outfits suitable for desert landscapes and commentary about what Mary Magdalene wore while washing Jesus’ feet.
- Nick Denton would get hold of yet unpublished excerpts of the John’s Gospels and he would publish them on Gawker, including salacious details under the header “What did they really eat during the Last Supper?”.
- Gwyneth Paltrow would release a recipe for bread and wine on Goop, calling it the “Holly detox diet”, her trainer Tracy Anderson would include tips on “How to keep those arms toned without showing muscle while bearing the Cross”.
- 4chan would start a new meme, “Forever Nailed”.
And by Tuesday we would all be so fed up that there would be no Christianity.
Until, fifteen years later when hipsters find records of this week and decide to worship it ironically.
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