Free vibrators for the girls, but the boys get the batteries

In “news you wish were Onion headlines”, Free vibrators for the girls, but the boys get the batteries:

‘Fever. You are going to vibrate.’ Under this slogan, the infamous Cuomo club, located in Valencia’s Mislata estate, has announced a party for next Saturday in which the disco will be giving away a free vibrator to the first 300 (female) customers. The famous disco, which has achieved national notoriety for its alledgedly “sexist” parties in the past, has gone on the defensive and announced a party where the women don’t need men. The disco, one of the largest in Spain outside of the “hardcore” party areas such as Ibiza, is expected to be full to capacity with some 4,000 clients attending.

For 15 euros, female clients will be entitled to a free sexual gizmo and a drink. Women can choose from three sizes (12, 15 and 17 cm) and various colors.

But the novelty of the party is that the boys aren’t entirely forgotton, and the event organisers have decided that the first 300 men entering the club will receive the batteries, and condoms of different flavors. The sex toys given to women will not have batteries.

Who controls your sexuality and your pleasure, uh? A random stranger who got there early, that’s who! Now, submit your dildo to the patriarchy. You know it’s the right thing to do.

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